12 ways to help with Depression
The first time that I felt the deep darkness of depression was during my third pregnancy. My daughter was born just about seven years ago in January. Pregnancy was always hard for me, but this time was different. It was exceptionally brutal. The guilt that I felt about feeling so miserable fed the depression. After all, I have never experienced fertility issues. Getting pregnant was easy for me. I always had healthy babies without complications. So many women would be elated to be in my shoes. And I felt bad that I didn’t enjoy it.
Ever since then, I have experienced a major depressive episode between October and February every year. It’s painful to reflect. But in doing so I have learned a lot about myself and what self-care looks like for me. It doesn’t stop the darkness completely, but I am able to identify it. I am a more empathetic person because of it. Many of my clients have various mental health conditions, I am better at my job because I understand.
Some years are worse than others. Last year was one of the worst and it lasted a long time. This year, I’ve been determined to stay ahead of it. But that requires a ton of effort. When the depression hits, “effort” is not something that I have a lot of.
Last week was incredibly challenging. Yesterday, I was finally able slowly emerge out of the cloud thanks to an amazing support system. When the sky clears, it’s easier to reflect on my needs and prioritize what is most important. One thing that I know for certain is that isolation feeds depression. Not talking about it makes it worse. I know that this time of year is a challenge for so many reasons and I know that I am not alone. If you’re someone who is close to depression, I hope this little post can help you.
When it comes to depression, there is a lot of crappy advice. From cutting out food to telling someone to “just look on the bright side”, depression is something that many people fight every single day. It’s ignorant to believe that the removal of gluten or posting “positive vibes only” will make any sort of difference. In fact, those beliefs could make the depression worse.
I personally believe that depression is something that will always be a part of me. Here is what helps…
1. Learn about it: Depression is not about having a bad attitude or feeling blue. It’s a chemical imbalance. It’s isolating, suffocating, and dark. There are different kinds of depression and knowing which kind you have helps you know what to do about it. It’s also is highly genetic. I inherited it from my dad. And although it was never discussed, I know he inherited it from his dad.
2. Talk about it: It wasn’t until last year that my dad and I were completely open about depression. Just knowing that he felt how I felt was validating and calming. It was also last year that my husband really figured out how to support me. Now, I’m able to tell him that “my brain is feeling sick” and that I need him to step up. I also have great friends and a mom willing to help or simply talk. The Spoon Theory is incredibly valuable in expressing how much energy I have to take on various tasks. Getting ready for the day always requires a 15-spoon day. (download The Spoon Theory below)
3. Identify triggers: This time of year is HARD for me. Yes, the weather and altitude are scientifically proven to contribute to depression but it’s also EVERYTHING about this time of year. After Halloween I start to feel overwhelmed with kids’ activities, holiday preparations, social gatherings, and giving back. As someone who practices gratitude, I am extremely grateful and always aim to give back. But depression leads me to believe that I’m not doing enough. Other triggers of mine include, my kids, too many social gatherings, and certain family members.
4. Say “NO”: I can’t really avoid my children, but I can tell them “no”. I can communicate my expectations with them. We talk a lot about feelings and emotions in our house. My kids have seen me cry, they’ve seen me stay in bed all day, they’ve seen me lose it. I have systems in place that help navigate the chaos…although it’s constant. I turn down chaperoning at the class field trip and pick one kid’s class party to help with. I decline invites to parties that I don’t have the energy to attend and I keep distance from certain family members or others who don’t feel safe to me.
5. Go to therapy: It’s been hard to find a therapist that I like, but I finally have. I go every other week.
6. Take meds: I used to have a negative attitude towards medication. Yet, it has proven to be a lifesaver for my family. I take 2 different medications. One is an antidepressant that is also a sleep aid (it’s amazing because Insomnia is one of the worst things that can happen to a human). The other is for ADHD.
7. Become an Intuitive Eater: Feeling stressed and anxious about food contributing to depression will only feed these conditions. Having peace with food is incredibly valuable in truly identifying tools and strategies to help you cope. Controlling your body through restriction is harmful to mental health. Instead of removing food groups, think about what you can add. For example, I just started taking Vitamin D again and I aim to eat more fat. Eating regularly is far more important to health than what you eat. Plus, food is meant to be pleasurable and rewarding – let it help you feel that.
8. Plan a trip: If it’s feasible, get to sea level. I always try to have something on the calendar for January or February. I’m currently in negotiations with my husband about this.
9. Move: I exercise for my mental health, but I don’t need as much as I thought I did. I need just enough to feel good. Too much or too high of expectations just feels like a burden to me. Exercise shouldn’t feel like something you fail at. And waking up early to “get it out of the way” is one of the worst reasons to exercise that I could possibly think of.
10. Have a creative outlet: I love the work that I do. It’s interesting, adds to the world, and is highly rewarding. But I have to be careful that it’s not too much. I get deeply passionate and can get hyper-focused on it. There are days that I want more, but I am quickly reminded that more = more overwhelming. I keep a tight schedule and have boundaries – at least I try with the boundaries. Because a lot of my work is on social media, I take breaks for as long as I need.
11. Spirituality: My faith is incredibly important to me. Believing in something is powerful and hopeful. It has pulled me from the dark towards the light too many times for me to ignore it. At the same time, it takes a lot of work. In my faith it’s easy to feel overwhelmed by the numerous expectations. Holding on to the core of my beliefs pulls me out of feelings of worthlessness. I know that I have a Heavenly Father who loves me. I know that Jesus Christs knows how I feel and that he died for me. I know that I will be with my family forever. And I know that there are people placed on this earth to guide, support, and love me. While sometimes people within my church say or do things that drive me nuts, there are also members and leaders who provide comfort and peace. Elder Jeffery R. Holland is one of those leaders. During a particularity dark time, a late night google search led me to this devotional that he gave. He has given 54 talks in General Conference since then and I made it a goal to listen to all of them.
12. Laugh: Get with friends and have a good time. Laugh and let go. I also find a lot of relief from TV. As silly as that sounds, TV allows me to escape from thoughts and relax. Currently loving, The Mindy Project.